Are you ready for some real, raw feelings on a Thursday morning?
If not, please pass over this post for today!
I love that my husband is in a field that he loves, where he feels like he is making a difference and where he is learning and expanding his knowledge every day.
I love the fact that he feels confident in the operating room or feels like his education has prepared him for bigger and better things. As a supporter of my husband and his dreams, this means A LOT.
I love that he feels like the leader of the house because he can meet our family's needs and ensure that we are financially taken care of throughout the years.
I also know that one day we will see the light at the end of the tunnel that so many people tell us is there but sometimes that isn't good enough.
It isn't good enough because the time that he is missing out on, we will never get back. The dinners that we eat without him, the fun things we do without him, the constant state of exhaustion the bedtime routines that we he misses out on, the tears, the smiles are all things that we won't get back.
Sometimes I HATE the hospital.
Sometimes I HATE that my husband is a doctor.
Last night, he was scheduled "late", which means that he will be at work later than normal but not over night. We ate dinner because we knew that he wouldn't be home but I wanted his dinner to be warm so I left out the food. Well, 7:30pm came and went so dinner was put away. He texted at 9:30pm and said that he should be home by 10pm but then 10pm passed and he still wasn't home. By the time that he got home at 11:30pm, his food was so cold that he just ate a peanut butter sandwich.
I was so frustrated with the situation that I was fuming by the time he crawled into bed. I was upset with the situation, with the fact that he thought he would be home sooner and the fact that we miss him and he's at the beck and call of the hospital. I wasn't in a good place. I was bitter and angry with the situation.
Sometimes I just want to through in the towel. I hate not having my husband around when the kids need him, when I need him.
I'm praying that I can keep my negativity towards the situation to a minimum so Jason can feel supported and loved during this journey. I know that he is tired of the situation too and he would love to spend more time with his family but residency isn't conducive to family time.